Archive for August, 2008
Ocho En Serio?
I am going to hit you with some basic math. You know, just to get everyone thinking on their toes. What is thirty multiplied by two plus twenty-five? En Espanol. If your total equals the attention-starved Bengal formerly known as Chad Johnson, you are correct. For those of you who [...]
A Man Of Many Mustaches
On paper, Giambi is everything I cannot stand in a player. He is tacky and crude. He has that ridiculous mustache, which—let’s face it—only really worked for pitchers in the late 70’s. He speaks freely and publicly about the gold thong to which he attributes his ability to pull out [...]
I Just Want People To Know One Thing About Jose Guillen
In the words of Jose Guillen, “I just want people to know one thing about Jose Guillen. All he wants is to play every day and win.” In the words of Melanie Greenberg, “Don’t speak about yourself in the third person.” Unless maybe you’re Bo Jackson. Otherwise, it distracts us from [...]
A-Rod: Can’t Clutch This
A-Rod. Allegedly the greatest player in baseball. Twelve-time All-Star and three-time winner of the AL MVP. Youngest player to ever join the 500 home run club. Number fourteen on the active career hits list. And, yet, despite all this, when he’s the guy to come up to bat in [...]
The Secret To Our Success
In the words of Bryan Hoch at mlb.com, “Of all the statistics the Yankees could compile in their remaining 32 games, wins are the most important, needed as much as oxygen or water at this point.” I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that this doesn’t make sense. Because [...]
Putting The Lovable Into Lovable Losers
You can tell a lot about a team’s psychology by its slogans. For example, the Yankees have as one of their many slogans, “Where Players Become Legends.” This is a slogan that oozes with self-assuredness—the self-assuredness that comes with being a winner. The Chowdas, on the other hand, have adopted “Believe” as [...]
Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water
Chicago—home of Wrigley Field and the lovable losers, current residence of Soriano, Ozzie G, and Ken Griffey Jr. And here I am. For baseball-related reasons, you ask? No. Though, while I am here, I do plan to go to Wrigley Field for the first time ever. (Nothing against the White Sox, [...]
To Err is Human; To Replay is Divine?
I’ve introduced you to some new catchphrases that are, I hope, by now, among your favorites. “You suck Coco Crisp.” Obviously. “That guy’s got hands like tits.” Another instant classic. However, fun as it is to say these things, they should not detract from the pleasure we still derive from saying those [...]
Hey Mr. Met, Where You Goin’ With That Gun in Your Hand?
I was at a Mets game last night, and I think it was around the sixth inning when they commenced with the ritual shooting of the t-shirt gun. Call me a grinch, but I just don’t understand why it’s ever necessary to shoot a t-shirt out of a t-shirt gun into a horde of drunk [...]
The Pavano Principle: At the Very Least, Try
There’s a principle that I believe to be almost as universal as the principle of You Suck Coco Crisp. That would be the principle of Try Your Hardest. It applies to all people everywhere but, as I’ve said before, if someone’s paying you in the millions to do sports for a living, that [...]
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