I have much to say about some of the recent offseason action. You’ll be hearing from me about that before the day is through. However, someone recently brought something amazing to my attention, so I felt I should bring it to yours.

From the site “Overheard in New York”:

Yankee fan, seeing girl in Red Sox hat: Booo! Boooo!
Red Sox girl’s friend: Leave her alone! She’s hot! Leave her alone!
Yankee fan: Booo! Red Sox suck!
Red Sox girl’s friend: She’s got big boobs, leave her alone!
Yankee fan: I’ve seen boobs before! Booo!
(later)
Yankee fan: Red Sox suck! Booo!
Red Sox girl’s friend: Leave her alone, she’s hot!
Yankee fan: That’s your opinion! Booo!

Wow. Where to begin?

For the moment, let’s assume that the Chowda Head in question is actually as hot as her friend insists she is. That her boobs are truly impressively big. In what universe is that supposed to be an adequate defense for anything—let alone a decision to cheer for the Chowdas? Are her boobs so big that they have somehow stopped the flow of oxygen to her brain and rendered her incapable of exercising good judgment? You see, this is logic that only a Chowda Head would ever think to employ.

And, yet, there’s something almost genius about this line of reasoning. The idea that one can just draw on the strength of any particular attribute in order to serve as an adequate defense against any insult. I mean, there I was back in the days when Amber used to harass me trying to confront the actual substance of her criticism when all I needed to do was tell her to leave me alone. Because I’m hot. Or good at karaoke. Or freakishly exceptional at ping pong. Or whatever.

In a way, while seemingly unsound, this logic is not dissimilar from a proposal I made in one of my earliest entries—that no matter the occasion it’s always appropriate to say that someone’s got hands like tits. Maybe, similarly, “She’s hot and has big boobs” is just a go-to for this guy. An arbitrary response he has created in order to be droll regardless of the context.

But then, this is a Chowda Head we’re talking about, so it’s likely that I’m giving him too much credit. Moreover even if “big boobs” was meant to be a display of his wit and brilliance, it’s not without a fundamental flaw. It’s a comment that exposes itself to responses like, “I’ve seen boobs before” and “That’s your opinion.” Irrefutable comebacks.

But hands like tits? No one will ever tell you they’ve seen those before. I guarantee it.

At least, that’s my opinion.