It is a truth universally acknowledged (by readers of this blog) that Kevin Youkilis has some truly disturbing facial hair.  More than his OBP, I would argue that it’s the facial hair that constitutes Youkilis’ most notable feature.   While I’ve always considered this particular facial hair to be indicative of a black and nefarious soul, as it turns out, there are scarier things in the world than Kevin Youkilis’ facial hair.  Like, for example, Kevin Youkilis’ facial hair charging straight at you on a mission of destruction.

Don’t believe me?  Ask Rick Porcello.

I am referring, of course, to Tuesday night’s benches-clearing brawl between the Tigers and the Chowdas.  After the Sox beaned Miguel Cabrera for the second time in as many nights, Porcello nailed Youk — also for the second day in a row.  While retaliation may have been the obvious motivator for this play, Porcello swears it was an accident.  Sounds a little implausible, right?  Yet, when Youk threw his helmet at Porcello before him ala Mike Lowell in the throws of a back-alley brawl, Porcello’s response was one of horror and surprise.  He saw that facial hair coming at him, and he fled like his very life depended on it.

Porcello responded in the manner of someone who had no idea what he had done to inspire the ire of the madman charging at him.  (While many have laughed at Porcello’s somewhat less than courageous response to the Attack of The Killer Youk, let is not go unsaid that he managed to toss the crazed Chowda onto the ground as almost an afterthought.)

Whether or not you buy Porcello’s claim that he hadn’t meant to do it (I do), this incident serves as further proof that Youk is about as unhinged as they come. True, I would imagine that it’s frustrating to be hit with a baseball two days in a row. If Youk’s got a problem with it, however, he’d be wise to take it up with your pitching staff.  Twice, they nailed Carbrera, sending him out of the game on Tuesday. It was inevitable that the Tigers would retaliate.  (This is if you assume that Porcello’s throw was even intentional, and I don’t.)  True, the move worked to the Chowdas advantage that day as both players were ejected, and the Tigers suffered without Porcello, who had been throwing a terrific game. However, in the final estimation, both players wound up with a five-game suspension.  (Hardly fair in Porcello’s case as he was clearly acting in his own defense.)  For Porcello, five games means one start.  For Youkilis, five games means five games. In mid-August.  With his team already pretty badly battered.

Yesterday, brought a more low-grade version of the same kind of conflict when James McDonald threw a pitch that was just a little bit too far inside for Pablo Sandoval’s taste.  The result was a lot of huffing and puffing, some yelling, an intervention by the home plate umpire who held Sandoval back as he gave the crowd his best, “Lemme at ‘im. Lemme at ‘im.”  The benches cleared, but it never progressed beyond a bit of shoving and chest-puffing.  In the end, no ejections, no suspensions.

On Baseball Tonight, John Kruk gave Sandoval a bit of a hard time, knocking his bluster, saying that you either go after the pitcher or you shut up and hit. My only question for John Kruk is, “Are you living in the Lake house?”

In baseball, flared tempers and cleared benches can serve a purpose.  However, it’s more the theater than the violence of these displays that actually serve the ultimate purpose.   It should never actually be anyone’s real intention to injure another player. All these guys play sports for a living.  They need their bodies intact and fully operational.  If a player incurs any injuries throughout the duration of the season, it should never be in the heat of a brawl.  So if you want to send the pitcher or an umpire a message, why encourage someone to throw a helmet when he can just as easily do it by kicking some dirt?

While Sandoval almost certainly overreacted, his restraint was at least indicative of an instinct for self-preservation.  Sandoval isn’t serving a suspension.   Youkilis is.

For the record, if you ever are so unfortunate as to incur the wrath of Kevin Youkilis, you do like Rick Porcello, and you run.  He’s no Mike Lowell, but the dude clearly knows his way around a dark alley.