Glossary of Terms and Expressions

Arubian Knight – Sidney Ponson

Ass clown – As defined by urban dictionary, one, who, through the fault of his parents’ conception, is a skid mark in society’s collective underwear. e.g. Dustin Pedroia

Asset - Tush/A-Rod

Chowda – A player for the team whose name we do not speak.

Crapelbon – Poop.  Also Jonathan Papelbon.

The Creature From The Black Lagoon – Scott Boras

Dee Dubs – David Wright

Devils – The Rays.  Cause it’s better than the Rays.

Eccentric – Someone who can be found writing poetry in Starbucks, as defined by Tim McCarver. Pitchers are almost invariably eccentrics—also determined by Tim McCarver.

Exclusive coverage –  I refer to certain coverage as exclusive to give it an air of gravitas. It is not exclusive.

Fav-ruh – Brett Favre.  Because the spelling of his name doesn’t match the pronunciation, and it should.  Synonyms: Farviavelli, Dr. Farvil, Farv, Favricles.

Frost Tip – A-Rod

Hands Like Tits – Originally coined by a Yankees fan in reference to the failure of another Yankees fan to catch a foul ball at game 7 of the 2003 ALCS.  It’s something that is never appropriate to say and, therefore, always appropriate to say.

The Lakehouse – A place where spacetime continuum does not exist and no one has a grasp on reality.  (See movie starring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves.)

McCarverism – A truth bomb.  That no one has the good sense to listen to.

McJuicer – Mark McGwire

My hair looks thicker because it IS thicker – Originally coined by Giuseppe Franco in his Procede hair product commercials. It can be used as an expression of anything so obvious that it’s asinine.  Not dissimilar from a McCarverism.

Midwest – A Utopian place where everyone has good values.

Nothing Against Fill in the Blank – Something you say prior to saying something really offensive in order to trick people into thinking it’s not offensive. For most appropriate usage, see A-Rod on Bubba Crosby.

The People’s Hall of Fame – A mythical place for Hall of Fame People.  It is presumed to be located somewhere in the Midwest.  The qualifications for induction are unclear.  According to some (Woody Johnson), Fav-ruh would be an ideal candidate for the People’s Hall of Fame.  According to others (me), I would.

The Principles – I have many.  Because I’m a very principled person.

• The Principle of You Suck Coco Crisp – The Principle that it is always fun to say You Suck Coco Crisp.  Jut because it is.
• The Zito Principle – Don’t Suck If You’re Overpaid.
• The Principle of Try Your Hardest.
• The Pavano Princple - At the very least, try.
• Principle Number Four – Never take advice from Fav-ruh.
• The Principle of Separation of Church and Sports – The Principle that dictates that God has no place in sports and that, furthermore, God doesn’t care who wins the game.
• The Principle of Separation of Sports and State – The Principle that dictates that sports have no place in politics, especially political campaigns.
• The Principle of Don’t Under Any Circumstance Lose The Last Game That You Are Ever Going To Play At Your Home Stadium. (DUACLTLGTYAEGTPAYHS) See 2008 Mets.

Pujols – The place from which all Renteria and Crapelbon exit the body.

Regalo De Dios – Johan Santana.

Renteria – The runs.  The bathroom kind, not the baseball kind.

Rotunda — A place in Citi Field where no space time continuum exists, much like the lake house.

Upper-deki – Matsui.

No. 8 – See Renteria