So, I go to yet another Mets game with my friend Mike (Just think of him as the Twan in this story.  To make it interesting, we can say he just got out of jail — white collar jail — he works in finance.)  Anyway, we walk through the rotunda to get to our seats (obviously).  As we ride up the elevator I overhear some guy say, “Man, that rotunda is seriously amazing.”

Seriously.  What’s the deal with that place?  People are just walking around and talking about its virtues unprompted  now?  Just using the word rotunda like it’s a normal word?  I don’t get why the need for all this rotunda kool-aid, but clearly the people are drinking it.

You’re not gonna believe it, but things get even deeper as I continue my tale.  As we were leaving — through the rotunda — we got stopped by the escalator attendant.  For no good reason.  We were about to step on when he yelled, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!”  We looked around, alarmed, figuring something must be wrong.  But after a pause of about thirty seconds, during which time we searched the guy’s face for some sort of explanation, he nodded us on saying, “All right.  Go on.”

I’m thinking we were about to get sucked into a portal into another universe, and the attendant was trying to help us.

However, Mike, who had reached his rotunda weirdness threshold, threatened to pop a cap in the guy’s ass, but I told him, “Mike, you just got out jail, and I’ll be damned if you’re going back.

Then he said, “Mel.”

I said, “What?”

He said, “Mel.”

I said, “What?”

He said, “Mel.”

I said, “Mike, what?”

He said, “My name’s not Mike.”

March 2, 2009

Stage One: Playing it Cool/Disparaging Others

On the subject of Tom Glavine’s $1 million contract with the Braves, Martinez commented, “If I wanted to pitch that bad, I probably would. But I don’t think I’m in that stage. I believe I’m very comfortable. I’m not going to let anybody disrespect my abilities or the way I am. I wouldn’t say I would want to pitch that bad.”

He went on to say, “If nobody takes a chance, well, I’ll go fishing. If I’m healthy and I’m able to do the things that I used to do, I think a lot of people are going to probably regret not taking a chance.”

March 9, 2009

Stage Two: Breaking Through the Veneer/Putting It Out There

Yesterday, Martinez commented with regard to the Mets, “If they want a fifth starter, I’ve been there. I don’t know how much they want me, but I’m available. That’s all I can say.”

30 Seconds Later

Stage Three: Unbridled Desperation

Immediately following his previous comments, Martinez clarifies that, notwithstanding his anxieties about being disrespected, he’s willing to play for just about anyone who will have him, saying, “But at the same time, I’m available for every team out there.”

Tell me, Pedro, care to revise your previous statement on Tom Glavine and his million dollar deal?  Or is that Stage Four?

Sure, the Grapefruit League opener is hardly the most important game of the year, but a 9-3 victory over the Orioles is what you could call an auspicious beginning.  Luis Castillo had an especially strong start, particularly for a guy who’s been the punch line to more than a few jokes for the last few months.  I think it’s safe to say that, while Mets fans may not see eye-to-eye on everything, there’s one point on which they can all agree: Luis Castillo and his stupid oversized paycheck are ruining everything.

But if yesterday’s performance was a sign of things to come, there may still be hope for the svelter-than-ever Castillo and his stupid oversized paycheck.  With a two-run single in the second and a two-run double in the fourth, it was a refreshingly solid performance.

Church didn’t do so shabby himself, especially after all that to-do earlier in the week about who was platooning and where.  With a one-run double and a two-run single, I get the sense that Church is determined to show Manuel, the media and anyone else who’s interested exactly where they can stick their platoon.

All in all, it was my kind of ballgame-get ‘em on and get’em home.

The only downside was that Sean Green was forced to leave the game early with an injured fingernail.  It’s hard to say at this point, but early reports indicate that he will recover.

As for their home opener, don’t forget to stay tuned for my one day exclusive coverage from Port St. Loosey-Goosey.

In this latest installment of, “Beefing With The Stars,” Jose Reyes said of the Phillies, “I don’t know why they worry so much about the New York Mets.  They are the ones to win the World Series, not us, and we don’t say nothing about them. We just say congratulations to the Phillies.”

Congratulations-and sleep with one eye open.

Reyes also finds it pretty annoying that the Phils have made fun of him in the past for getting too excited about his big hits, commenting, “I’m not the only one when I hit a home run I’m pimping.”

I mean, seriously.  That’s like the oldest adage of all time.

All this comes on the heels of an ongoing war of words involving Jimmy Rollins, Carlos Beltran, Cole Hamels and, most recently, K-Rod.  And by a war of words I basically mean that they all just keep going back and forth saying that their team is the “team to beat.”

Yeah, I know.  In your face, other team.

Unlike the rest of the players involved, Hamels has been slightly more creative with his mud-slinging, referring to the Mets as “choke artists” this past winter.

What a delightfully tacky comment coming from the World Series MVP.

But it wouldn’t be the first time Hamels displayed delightful tackiness.  There was also that time he married his wife, former Survivor contestant Heidi Strobel-the one who stripped for Oreos.  And peanut butter, if that makes a difference.

But Strobel isn’t just a girl who’s willing to show a little leg for an Oreo.  She’s also a humanitarian.  In a recent interview with SI, she talked about her plans to adopt Ethiopian AIDS orphans-as many as she could get her hands on:

“We’re in the process of adopting an AIDS orphan from Ethiopia. Maybe two. I’m so pumped. I’d adopt six if I could. When I was five years old-I grew up in a very rural town in Missouri, and I had never even seen a black person-they asked us to draw a picture of ourselves in the future, and I drew myself holding hands with a line of tiny black stick figures. I’ve always wanted this.”

And with a mother with that kind of racial awareness, how could an Ethiopian AIDS orphan not end up with a strong sense of identity?

But the fact that Hamels and his wife are so fun to hate only adds to the mirth.  What can I say? I’m just a sucker for a good old-fashioned rivalry.  So, leaving aside all the weird black stick figure stuff, I say bring it on.

Yeah, before you go walking outside in a tank top, I didn’t mean it literally.  Only people from states where winter happens are crazy enough to not know that 35 degree weather can’t be nice.  Talk to the people of Arizona: they know.  (Though it may be the only thing they know.)

What I meant was that THE BASEBALL IS HERE.

Well, I guess it’s been here since yesterday, but not the New York kind.  And we need that kind to make it official. But, now, it’s official; Yankees pitchers and catchers report to Tampa this morning. (The Mets report to Port St. Lucie tomorrow.)
 

It makes reporting sound so much more fun than it probably is.

Let me take this opportunity to tell you about my exclusive one-day coverage at Port St. Lucie on February 26^th.  And by exclusive one-day coverage I basically mean that while I’m on a trip to Miami, I’m going to drive to Port St. Lucie to go see a baseball game. How is this coverage exclusive you ask?  It’s not.  I just think it lends it more gravitas if I say it is.  And because I know you, I know that your next question will be, “Why the Mets and not the Yankees?” Uh, why don’t you mapquest the drive from Miami to both Tampa and Port St. Lucie, and then try to answer your own question.

Anyone interested in daily coverage of what’s happening at the Mets camp should go to metsblog.com.  It won’t be exclusive coverage like mine.  But it has the benefit of lasting longer than a day.  And being quite excellent.

Oh, and did I mention that THE BASEBALL IS HERE?